A letter to the broken-hearted.

All around the world, we are all affected by the pain of loss. In many forms, everywhere, no one is immune. A few of the most beautiful people I know are feeling the pain of loss, in it's different variations. This letter is for them.

To my broken-hearted friend,

Oh my love. I know the pain runs so very deep. I can feel your pain running through my veins, deep into my own heart. It is beating strongly for you, whilst your own is in recovery.

We can get through this together. Whilst your pain is your own, I can remember my past pain too. And it hurts. Deeply.

Have faith in knowing that it will pass. This pain will carve a path in your heart, but over time it will heal to become a light scar - a part of your journey and an important mark in shaping your future-self.

You are strong. You are brave. Don't be afraid, for there is nothing to fear. The future is bright and the best is yet to come. But only if you take the plunge now. Show your strength, Bring out your bravery. Put yourself on the path. Be open-minded. Be open to "the new". Not now. But later. When you are ready.

You deserve more. Believe it and it will happen.

xoxoxo

Thirty Years of the English Rose.

A week ago I celebrated my 30th birthday. And I've been a little surprised at how little I have been bothered about this fact. I've known many people to already hit this "landmark" birthday, with various responses - from none, to totally freaking out.

I'm not quite in the "none" camp, but I have become fairly reflective in the lead up, of the past decade and everything it had brought with it. I guess it's a way of closing the door on my 20's so I can fully embrace and confidently walk through the door to my 30's.

A lot has happened. My 20's was a jam-packed decade - the first part was full of parties, fun, travelling the world, living in numerous locations all over the world, thrill-seeking, risk taking, having the most amazing experiences and meeting some of my closest life-long friends.

The second half was a roller-coaster of changes as I met my future husband and relocated my entire life to the other side of the world. My mid-late twenties was certainly a a cycle of emotions as I jumped through the visa paperwork hoops, contracted in what feels a million jobs and came to terms with starting a new life. I also became ill and am still recovering over a year later - which has definitely taught me the true meaning of patience and how to slow down. 

Of course this second half also brought me my soulmate and our beautiful wedding, new adventures in a new country and new lifelong friends. How lucky am I?!

It's funny how life can turn out. What I've learnt from the last decade is that you life definitely surprises you, and rewards those who are brave enough to take risks, with delights that you never imagined were possible.

What am I looking forward to in the next decade? Whatever life throws at me. You never know what is going to happen, but I am hoping for new experiences, positive things and maintaining my health. I intend to live my life full of love for myself and everyone around me. I intend to retain perspective to ensure I have a good balance in all aspects of my live. And I intend to let go of the silly things that can get you down. All the things you can't change about your physical self, and improve all the things on my emotional self that still has the capacity to grow.

I'm not sure why turning 30 is a big deal, but I guess it just depends on where you are in life and how you view it. Ten years ago I'd never have thought my journey would take me here, and how happy I would be about everything that's happened - because it does all work out.

Much love to all my beautiful friends and family around the world who showed me all their love on this "landmark" day. It was awesome and I can't wait to share another ten years with you all in my life. xoxo

P.S - I'd also like to get another dog, so Winston can have a little brother, because he's just so cute:

Putting pen back to paper.

It’s been over a year since I last wrote to you all and since then, many things have happened. None of which I chose to write about. Every now and then some of my more eager readers occasionally ask why this is, and if I will ever write again. 

Well I hope this entry helps answer the latter as yes, I intend to write again. The truth is, despite having no experience or expertise in this area, I really enjoy writing as another creative output (one of many I tend to have - too many possibly!) And from some of the feedback I’ve received from friends and family around the world, it seems some of you enjoy reading about my experiences as well.

When I was back home last Christmas with my friends and family, it was the first Christmas I’d had at home in the four years I’ve now been living in Australia. Naturally, I took the opportunity to Skype with friends all across the world as the time difference was not as terrible as when I’m in Melbourne. And our conversation turned back to my blog, as my friend in the States was a keen reader of mine. It was when she asked me why I’d stopped writing that the realisation then dawned on me. I didn’t need to anymore.

That might sound strange to some of you, but for me, this blog was always intended to talk about my new life here in Australia. To give some insight into what it’s really like living here - the key differences between England and Australia. This included everything from the language, the culture, the people, the politics and of course the weather!

When you  move to the other side of the world, you need to make sense of all the new elements and you naturally compare them to what you know - which is how life is where you grew up. Writing this blog helped me to share my experiences with my loved ones at home, to help build the bridge in my mind between my two worlds. It was also an outlet for me to work through living in another country, to come to terms with having left everyone I knew and loved back in the UK and to help overcome my tremendous guilt I have always felt by leaving - and then not returning.

So I’ve come to this realisation of what this blog really was for me - which was my way of reaching out and to try and help forgive myself for moving to the other side of the world, in the pursuit of love and new opportunities which I could never have back in England. And now that I’ve lived here for four years, I feel like I don’t need that anymore. I’ve shared my highs and lows, the funny moments and the hardship of being homesick. I’ve accepted the fact that I finally am starting to feel like I belong, something that has literally taken years and a lot of trial error - and again a lot of laughter mixed with tears. I finally have a secure job that I enjoy, have made friends - hopefully friends for life and have made a home with my beautiful husband who has been nothing but supportive though my emotional journey here in Australia. Another truth of our situation is that both parties have plenty of guilt - just different kinds.

This doesn’t mean that I won’t be writing anymore, or I won’t be sharing any of my funny observations or political frustrations - I’m sure there will be many more to come -  particularly as I’m eligible for citizenship this year - it just means that my writing may take a different angle. There will be times when emotions run high and I might need to reach out once again but for the time being, I feel happy and settled in Melbourne and I’m very much looking forward to our future here and everything that has to bring - good and bad.

So I’ll wrap this up with a massive “thank you” to everyone that has supported me on this journey from all sides of the world - as you’ve read - it’s not been easy but it’s certainly getting easier. I’ve learnt along the way that 24 hours and 10.497 miles apart (my bestie worked that out!) - that's 16,893kms to all my Aussie readers! It’s only been through the love and support of my amazing friends and family across the UK, USA, Finland, Ireland & Spain and the same with my new family and friends in Australia that I’ve truly learnt the meaning of long distance and that time and distance doesn’t mean a thing, because true relationships are always with you in your heart.

On a side note: I don't believe in Valentines Day but my Finnish friend told me it's more of a friendship day there. So happy belated Valentines Day!

With love xoxo

A beginners guide to Hot Bikram Yoga.

So, it's February, a New Year and time for a 'new you' right?

We all know that New Years Resos flop pretty quickly, as all of our good intentions fade away into the distant memory with the Australia Day Hangover (unless you're in the UK then it fades into a sea of warm cakes and Christmas leftovers).

Jan 17th is even the official "ditch new years resolutions day" - not even my cynicism thought of that one.

I have come to the conclusion - maybe a controversial one - that I HATE RUNNING. I like to run when I am fit enough, but I don't want to train and hate the pain of getting there. Life's too short right? So cue something soft and gentle, like yoga.

As cynical as some of these 'trendy' things seem somethings, yoga's been around for longer than donkeys and less than dinosaurs. So it's pretty "up there" with credibility. Paltro not included. But it goes to show that somethings might be worth sticking a limb out for.

Cue: Bikram Hot Yoga.

So first things first, this isn't a shameless plug, because I have no vested interest. I just picked a place that was cheap and happened to be near work, as I had been off the yoga-band-wagon and replaced it with the boot-camp-bandwagon pre-wedding. My previous fitness had definitely taken a decline, shall we say, so it's pretty much back to base camp 1 with me.

After a few weeks of going once or twice a week - I have been surprised at how quick it is to pick up and to recover.

Once you get over the "oh my god I think I might die" kind of idea, things really do get much easier from there.

Ps - I cannot claim to know anything about the different types of yoga, the posts, the benefits etc. To be honest, it all kinda looks the same and feels pretty crazy in 40 degree heat anyway.

So a few things you need to know (and maybe do) about Hot Yoga:

• It's hot. Crazy hot if you're not used to it. You might feel self conscious but you want to wear as little as humanly possible. Trust me, when you see the rivers running down your face, you're not gonna care what you look like.(just wear a sports bra and shorts sporty shorts for flexibility)
• Bring multiple towels. One to sweat on, a small one for your face and one for the shower. Sounds gross right? It's actually awesome.
• Freeze your water. It's 40 degrees, you need to drink a couple of litres before class, but you'll sweat it all out again. You will drink at least 1.5-2L of water during/after the class - so freeze it, it'll melt during class and stay nice and cool for when you really need it.
• Take off your makeup. It's not staying on anyway.
• Take a plastic bag. You'll be thankful that you're bag doesn't stink of your own sweat. Because trust me, your sweat ain't smelling sweet.
• Wear loose fitting clothes for after class - or wear them to class. Ever tried to wrangle into damp/tumble dried jeans when you're hot and sticky? It's not a pretty sight.
• Breathe only through your nose throughout the entire session unless told otherwise. It'll keep you calm when you think you can't breathe, and will actually help cool you down quicker.
• Move as little as possible during the class, ie - no fidgeting! This will only make you warmer.
• Have faith that you can do it, but only within your bodys means. Fight your mind, but if you're feeling pain - take a break.

Then go into the class with a clear mind and don't beat yourself up if you 'can't do it' or 'can't switch off'. You're there, you've made it, give yourself a break and enjoy the benefits.

I hope that many more people can enjoy the actual joy of yoga and give up the idea that there's "no pain = no gain".

Much loves xoxo

Greeting the Grey.

This ones for all the grey ladies out there.

I found my first grey hair. On my wedding day. Coincidence?

I'm not sure. Wake up call? Not right then, I had other things to think about.

Now - absolutely.

But not necessarily with age. Obviously, as we get older, it's a part of the natural ageing process. And I'm OK with that. And I know that some people get greys early on - much earlier than me. That's OK too.

But judging by my other family members - I don't believe it's down to age, not right now anyway. My Dad's side of the family are all very dark haired and my Chinese Grandma didn't go grey until she was much older. I remember the day I realised that she was going grey and that she was getting older. And that was a strange realisation in itself.

It's a simple, common, modern day killer. Stress.

It doesn't discriminate, but it does get you - without you even realising it.

Where does all this stress come from? A variety of factors including:

• Work
• Wedding
• Finance
• Homesickness
• Career Prospects
• Unemployment Periods
• 'The Future'

What I have come to realise is - it's not worth it. What the point in feeling the tightness in your chest of anxiety because you are overworked and underpaid? Doing yet another 12 hour day and being paid for 7, and still not getting any sleep, because work has claimed the other 12 hours of your day too.

I'm not complaining, mind you, as I have made these choices and everything has bought me up to this point - which is amazing. Moving forward, I hope that it enables me to make smarter decisions, so I am not always working harder and being able to 'let go' of all the things that you can't control.

And maybe this will help keep the greys at bay for a while, at least until I feel old and wise enough to have earnt them.

Much loves xoxo

Wedding reflections and jubilations.

Three months after my last post, I finally feel ready to sit down and write about the wedding.

Which is funny for a few reasons. Firstly, most of my regular readers enjoyed the day with us, having been an integral part in sharing our special and intimate day. Secondly, the opening sentence is not consistent with the 'wedding tone'. 

I think that this post is something that other brides can appreciate and understand. I kind of think that it's unavoidable in this day in age.

The wedding day itself was a surreal bubble of euphoric love, happiness, romance and intimacy. Never in my life did I ever think that those emotions and overwhelming feelings of euphoria existed, let alone would be experienced. I always assumed that it would be "the happiest day of our life" because that's what you are told by you're happily married friends, acquaintances, magazines, blogs etc. 

Although that description might seem more chick flick than reality, it is surprisingly true. The wedding day surprised me in so many ways, including my own emotional reactions to everything, everyone and how something so simple and traditional, is actually ingrained with meaning, commitment and emotion. All the cliches were there - the excited/nervous jitters, the room a blur with familiar and loving faces, the moment our eyes met and didn't move from each other and how everything, everyone disappeared as it became a moment just for us.

I realised that everything I had been worried about pre-wedding, I didn't even notice on the day. With reflection and hindsight, yes, but not on the day. Looking back at the wedding day was also surreal, as there is so much of the day you don't remember clearly or even experience. A lot of the wedding is for your guests to enjoy as being the main 'hosts', you don't actually have a lot of time to experience all the details, games and hard work that you have invested into making the day 'you' and 'special'. Funny that really.

I have come to realise that the wedding was a beautiful, amazing and life affirming if not slightly traumatic experience. The stress and pressure you put on yourself to make everything perfect and keep everyone happy is incredible, and it snowballs towards the wedding day, not away from it. I considered myself one of those 'carefree' bride-to-be's of which I can acknowledge now I certainly was more controlling than you like to admit about yourself. It certainly has taken reflection, review, time out and the start of a new chapter to admit that some parts of the wedding planning process, I handled quite badly.

It's a crazy situation really. I found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, we planned a day that was going to be fun, full of awesome people, great food and beautiful backdrops. I just didn't feel that during the planning process it was going to be very 'me'. I became so invested in planning the wedding that I almost felt disconnected from it and it was like it was happening to someone else. No one can prepare you for the emotional roller-coaster that is getting engaged, planning a wedding, being a bride-to-be, being a hen, being the bride and then finally being a wife. There is no guidebook, no rules, and no amount of advice that will really hit home until afterwards. I found my perfect man, in an imperfect situation but we still make a perfect couple and it was still a stressful experience.

There is so much confusion and emotion in this process along with stress, anxiety and worry that romance doesn't seem to come into it. The amount of time and money and stress invested into this 'perfect day' seems crazy and we questioned many times whether it was going to be worth it.

Whether or not your pre-wedding experience is positive or not, if you are marrying for the right reasons, then the answer is a simple, "Yes. Of course".

Because again, this is true. 

In my previous post you may remember my anticipation of the moment I came down the stairs, into the ceremony, on the arm of my Dad to start the ceremony. 

The morning was frantic and disappeared so quickly. Nerves and excitement make you a bizarre person as no one can prep you for how you will feel this day. The moment that my beautiful girls and my Dad saw me in my dress was priceless. The jittery feeling of "its showtime"as the music starts and the girls are already walking gracefully and perfectly down the stairs.

The moment that my Dad takes my arm and we have an intimate and special moment between us, as he supports me emotionally and physically through the walking down the stairs. The moment I see all my girls in their beautiful dresses, holding their gorgeous homemade bouquets, eyes welling up, all big smiles that can't hide their love for me. The moment that makes me realise that I am physically shaking and welling up myself. The scan across the room to see a blur sea of smiling, happy, loving faces from around the world - a surreal experience where people you never thought would meet sit side by side, sharing in the glow - not being able to pick out one face from another, but knowing that you know and love them all.

That perfect moment where you're eyes meet his and they are magnetically locked into each others gaze. That moment you realise that the day is finally here, it is really happening and the rest of the world seems to disappear.

Follow this with the realisation of how much love there is for you both through the heartfelt and emotional readings from both siblings - everyone getting choked up and involved in the intimacy of that moment.

The moment where all these words are said and reciprocated and you didn't realise that these were your words as you're head is floating on a euphoric cloud that makes everything slightly hazy. The rings are on, the first married kiss and the moment he lifts you into the air as the most precious and loving gesture. Pure happiness and elation as the moment sinks in and we both raise our hands and cheer that the planning is over, we did it and to celebrate with our closest family and friends from around the world. 

The important thing to remember with wedding planning that it is never going to be perfect, and it shouldn't be. Life isn't. I'm sure that marriage isn't either. It is how you handle the situation that will effect how you feel about it. On the day itself, I was overwhelmed. With love of course. But also actually overwhelmed. An experience so strange in itself its hard to identify. But with love, logic and clarity it is important to ride the wave and enjoy it for what it is. With all my stress and worry - I realised that the day was actually the most perfect day for us. It was intimate, personal, special, fun, beautiful and we did all the things we wanted to and shared it with the most important people in our lives. The was very 'us' in every sense and everyone basked in our love because we were so open about it.

Have things changed? Do I feel like a wife?

Yes and Yes/No.

The truth is I have never had the "I'm a wife" moment, because I have felt committed to our relationship for a long time. We made the decision to make it work and we have. The marriage element felt inevitable at some point really. But emotionally, yes things have changed. Little indescribable things that won't make sense unless you have experienced it. The joys of being able to say "my husband" and to proudly call myself "a wife" - not very feminist but being a wife through choice makes a difference I think. I am happy to be a wife and a good wife and know that we have a long and happy life to share together.

And in case you were wondering, we did wake up the morning after, overlooking the sea in my hometown and did share an English Breakfast with two of our closet friends. We shared coffee and cake back at our reception venue to relax and reminisce  and caught up with everyone for more chocolate mudcake and to hear all the different wedding stories. We enjoyed an excellent degustation dinner as our first as husband and wife, and fell asleep in each others arms, exhausted but happy and ready to start the rest of our new life together.

Image by Rebecca Douglas Photography: www.rebeccadouglas.co.uk

To everyone that shared our experience in every form, we can't thank you enough for all your love and support.

Love always xoxo

Final flying thoughts.

This week has been pretty surreal. Alongside the wedding nightmares of my wedding venue being held inside a shopping centre with sick staff and my mum wearing a neon orange 80’s taffeta dress and my Australian nightmares of being trapped inside a house which flooded with jumping crocodiles and super quick sea snakes, we are also preparing to depart in 2 days, back home.

It’s been a strange year. I think every year that passes is getting quicker, and stranger. Maybe as you get older, your capacity to deal and cope with things becomes better. I have definitely mellowed out in this year – which is the complete opposite of most brides.

And of course, we are heading back to get married. That’s quite a big one I guess. The planning and preparation definitely feels big – as we discussed with friends over coffee at the weekend, it feels like we have been talking about the wedding for ages. It has been just over a year and a half and around 1 ¾ years from engagement to wedding. Which I think should be fairly average these days – give you a chance for it to sink in, do your research, figure out what you want and then save for it. And in our case, a big factor was allowing the Australian side time to plan their own trip to come over.

And on this note, I am extremely humbled. We have had an excellent response from the Aussies to come over, with only a few people unfortunately unable to attend. It was always a huge ask and we are grateful to everyone who put the time and effort into considering it as an option. Plus we will have a big Aussie party to celebrate – bring on the chocolate mud cake!

I was chatting with my Dad on Skype at the weekend too and telling him just this. Even though our overall guest list is small (just under 70), we have both been blown away by the excitement, love and generosity that everyone has shown us already (and we are not even there yet!). From the engagement parties last year, to the amazing messages, cards and thoughts before we have left – the wonderful conversations, support and advice – the complete support from all of our family and bridal party – the cost, the time, the effort that everyone has gone to ensure that they can be there on a Thursday (sorry teachers!), in the UK and be there to see us tie the knot.

I know I probably won’t comprehend this until the wedding is over (in the blink of an eye I am told!). But as I have mentioned on here before – I am most looking forward to seeing both of our worlds collide. In the best way possible, I already feel married as we have both made the commitment and sacrifices required to ‘prove’ that to each other – the wedding is an amazing opportunity to get everyone together, to celebrate how lucky we are, and to make it official.

For me, the strength of our love is really reflected in the love that we have around us.

And this is what I am most looking forward to:

 Walking down the steps during the ceremony with my beloved bridesmaids – best friends and sisters- being given away by my Dad (the best man I have ever met with the groom being the only exception!) – looking down at my husband-to-be to see him smile as he sees me for the first time – and then looking across the room to see the sea of faces from many lives, lifestyles, countries and see all the love that we are emanating come back straight at us – for us.

This is the moment that I am most looking forward to in our 9 week trip. Closely followed by the moment that we wake up together as Mr & Mrs, share a kiss and start looking at the photos from the day before – overlooking the sea in my hometown, with an Earl Grey Tea and a full English Breakfast. Then the rest of our lives can begin.