Wedding reflections and jubilations.

Three months after my last post, I finally feel ready to sit down and write about the wedding.

Which is funny for a few reasons. Firstly, most of my regular readers enjoyed the day with us, having been an integral part in sharing our special and intimate day. Secondly, the opening sentence is not consistent with the 'wedding tone'. 

I think that this post is something that other brides can appreciate and understand. I kind of think that it's unavoidable in this day in age.

The wedding day itself was a surreal bubble of euphoric love, happiness, romance and intimacy. Never in my life did I ever think that those emotions and overwhelming feelings of euphoria existed, let alone would be experienced. I always assumed that it would be "the happiest day of our life" because that's what you are told by you're happily married friends, acquaintances, magazines, blogs etc. 

Although that description might seem more chick flick than reality, it is surprisingly true. The wedding day surprised me in so many ways, including my own emotional reactions to everything, everyone and how something so simple and traditional, is actually ingrained with meaning, commitment and emotion. All the cliches were there - the excited/nervous jitters, the room a blur with familiar and loving faces, the moment our eyes met and didn't move from each other and how everything, everyone disappeared as it became a moment just for us.

I realised that everything I had been worried about pre-wedding, I didn't even notice on the day. With reflection and hindsight, yes, but not on the day. Looking back at the wedding day was also surreal, as there is so much of the day you don't remember clearly or even experience. A lot of the wedding is for your guests to enjoy as being the main 'hosts', you don't actually have a lot of time to experience all the details, games and hard work that you have invested into making the day 'you' and 'special'. Funny that really.

I have come to realise that the wedding was a beautiful, amazing and life affirming if not slightly traumatic experience. The stress and pressure you put on yourself to make everything perfect and keep everyone happy is incredible, and it snowballs towards the wedding day, not away from it. I considered myself one of those 'carefree' bride-to-be's of which I can acknowledge now I certainly was more controlling than you like to admit about yourself. It certainly has taken reflection, review, time out and the start of a new chapter to admit that some parts of the wedding planning process, I handled quite badly.

It's a crazy situation really. I found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, we planned a day that was going to be fun, full of awesome people, great food and beautiful backdrops. I just didn't feel that during the planning process it was going to be very 'me'. I became so invested in planning the wedding that I almost felt disconnected from it and it was like it was happening to someone else. No one can prepare you for the emotional roller-coaster that is getting engaged, planning a wedding, being a bride-to-be, being a hen, being the bride and then finally being a wife. There is no guidebook, no rules, and no amount of advice that will really hit home until afterwards. I found my perfect man, in an imperfect situation but we still make a perfect couple and it was still a stressful experience.

There is so much confusion and emotion in this process along with stress, anxiety and worry that romance doesn't seem to come into it. The amount of time and money and stress invested into this 'perfect day' seems crazy and we questioned many times whether it was going to be worth it.

Whether or not your pre-wedding experience is positive or not, if you are marrying for the right reasons, then the answer is a simple, "Yes. Of course".

Because again, this is true. 

In my previous post you may remember my anticipation of the moment I came down the stairs, into the ceremony, on the arm of my Dad to start the ceremony. 

The morning was frantic and disappeared so quickly. Nerves and excitement make you a bizarre person as no one can prep you for how you will feel this day. The moment that my beautiful girls and my Dad saw me in my dress was priceless. The jittery feeling of "its showtime"as the music starts and the girls are already walking gracefully and perfectly down the stairs.

The moment that my Dad takes my arm and we have an intimate and special moment between us, as he supports me emotionally and physically through the walking down the stairs. The moment I see all my girls in their beautiful dresses, holding their gorgeous homemade bouquets, eyes welling up, all big smiles that can't hide their love for me. The moment that makes me realise that I am physically shaking and welling up myself. The scan across the room to see a blur sea of smiling, happy, loving faces from around the world - a surreal experience where people you never thought would meet sit side by side, sharing in the glow - not being able to pick out one face from another, but knowing that you know and love them all.

That perfect moment where you're eyes meet his and they are magnetically locked into each others gaze. That moment you realise that the day is finally here, it is really happening and the rest of the world seems to disappear.

Follow this with the realisation of how much love there is for you both through the heartfelt and emotional readings from both siblings - everyone getting choked up and involved in the intimacy of that moment.

The moment where all these words are said and reciprocated and you didn't realise that these were your words as you're head is floating on a euphoric cloud that makes everything slightly hazy. The rings are on, the first married kiss and the moment he lifts you into the air as the most precious and loving gesture. Pure happiness and elation as the moment sinks in and we both raise our hands and cheer that the planning is over, we did it and to celebrate with our closest family and friends from around the world. 

The important thing to remember with wedding planning that it is never going to be perfect, and it shouldn't be. Life isn't. I'm sure that marriage isn't either. It is how you handle the situation that will effect how you feel about it. On the day itself, I was overwhelmed. With love of course. But also actually overwhelmed. An experience so strange in itself its hard to identify. But with love, logic and clarity it is important to ride the wave and enjoy it for what it is. With all my stress and worry - I realised that the day was actually the most perfect day for us. It was intimate, personal, special, fun, beautiful and we did all the things we wanted to and shared it with the most important people in our lives. The was very 'us' in every sense and everyone basked in our love because we were so open about it.

Have things changed? Do I feel like a wife?

Yes and Yes/No.

The truth is I have never had the "I'm a wife" moment, because I have felt committed to our relationship for a long time. We made the decision to make it work and we have. The marriage element felt inevitable at some point really. But emotionally, yes things have changed. Little indescribable things that won't make sense unless you have experienced it. The joys of being able to say "my husband" and to proudly call myself "a wife" - not very feminist but being a wife through choice makes a difference I think. I am happy to be a wife and a good wife and know that we have a long and happy life to share together.

And in case you were wondering, we did wake up the morning after, overlooking the sea in my hometown and did share an English Breakfast with two of our closet friends. We shared coffee and cake back at our reception venue to relax and reminisce  and caught up with everyone for more chocolate mudcake and to hear all the different wedding stories. We enjoyed an excellent degustation dinner as our first as husband and wife, and fell asleep in each others arms, exhausted but happy and ready to start the rest of our new life together.

Image by Rebecca Douglas Photography: www.rebeccadouglas.co.uk

To everyone that shared our experience in every form, we can't thank you enough for all your love and support.

Love always xoxo

Final flying thoughts.

This week has been pretty surreal. Alongside the wedding nightmares of my wedding venue being held inside a shopping centre with sick staff and my mum wearing a neon orange 80’s taffeta dress and my Australian nightmares of being trapped inside a house which flooded with jumping crocodiles and super quick sea snakes, we are also preparing to depart in 2 days, back home.

It’s been a strange year. I think every year that passes is getting quicker, and stranger. Maybe as you get older, your capacity to deal and cope with things becomes better. I have definitely mellowed out in this year – which is the complete opposite of most brides.

And of course, we are heading back to get married. That’s quite a big one I guess. The planning and preparation definitely feels big – as we discussed with friends over coffee at the weekend, it feels like we have been talking about the wedding for ages. It has been just over a year and a half and around 1 ¾ years from engagement to wedding. Which I think should be fairly average these days – give you a chance for it to sink in, do your research, figure out what you want and then save for it. And in our case, a big factor was allowing the Australian side time to plan their own trip to come over.

And on this note, I am extremely humbled. We have had an excellent response from the Aussies to come over, with only a few people unfortunately unable to attend. It was always a huge ask and we are grateful to everyone who put the time and effort into considering it as an option. Plus we will have a big Aussie party to celebrate – bring on the chocolate mud cake!

I was chatting with my Dad on Skype at the weekend too and telling him just this. Even though our overall guest list is small (just under 70), we have both been blown away by the excitement, love and generosity that everyone has shown us already (and we are not even there yet!). From the engagement parties last year, to the amazing messages, cards and thoughts before we have left – the wonderful conversations, support and advice – the complete support from all of our family and bridal party – the cost, the time, the effort that everyone has gone to ensure that they can be there on a Thursday (sorry teachers!), in the UK and be there to see us tie the knot.

I know I probably won’t comprehend this until the wedding is over (in the blink of an eye I am told!). But as I have mentioned on here before – I am most looking forward to seeing both of our worlds collide. In the best way possible, I already feel married as we have both made the commitment and sacrifices required to ‘prove’ that to each other – the wedding is an amazing opportunity to get everyone together, to celebrate how lucky we are, and to make it official.

For me, the strength of our love is really reflected in the love that we have around us.

And this is what I am most looking forward to:

 Walking down the steps during the ceremony with my beloved bridesmaids – best friends and sisters- being given away by my Dad (the best man I have ever met with the groom being the only exception!) – looking down at my husband-to-be to see him smile as he sees me for the first time – and then looking across the room to see the sea of faces from many lives, lifestyles, countries and see all the love that we are emanating come back straight at us – for us.

This is the moment that I am most looking forward to in our 9 week trip. Closely followed by the moment that we wake up together as Mr & Mrs, share a kiss and start looking at the photos from the day before – overlooking the sea in my hometown, with an Earl Grey Tea and a full English Breakfast. Then the rest of our lives can begin.